Meeting the Dark Queen
Why you need to be okay with being the villain
As a teenager and in my early twenties, I had zero problems tapping into my Dark Queen energy.
If I disagreed with you, you would know about it. Not only that, but my cutting words could leave you with your tail between your legs. I took pride in my sharp wit and quick tongue.
In high school, even though I weighed about 100 pounds and couldn’t fight my way out of a paper bag, I always had the last word. I never backed down from a fight—no matter how perilous. Needless to say, I’ve been punched in the face a few times... but I did not submit.
I felt no remorse if I broke up with someone out of the blue. I would ditch friends for a guy—Every. Single. Time. I once dated a roommate’s love interest (in my defense, she was a jerk, and he just liked me better). And I let my whims take me wherever they pleased.
I cycled through men, jobs, and apartments with the seasons.
Looking back, yeah… I was kind of a handful.
But then, something shifted in my mid to late twenties. Sure, I started cultivating more kindness and discernment, but that’s not all. Somewhere along the way, the Dark Queen got locked away. She was replaced by the Pleasing Princess—kind, humble, agreeable.
...Boring.
I suspect this was an intentional persona I crafted to be more palatable—to men, society, and the people around me. It never really worked, probably because the Pleasing Princess is annoying as all hell. But the bigger issue?
The Dark Queen went underground.
Under the Mountain. Into the Underworld. Call it what you will—she was gone.
And when I needed her most, I couldn’t access her.
Like during…
My divorce, when I wanted to “take the high road,” giving away more than my share.
A one-sided business partnership I never contested to avoid confrontation.
A conflict with my father, where I bit my tongue and, as a result, extended the feud.
A romantic relationship I stayed in long past the expiration date because he had “some good qualities” (though I can’t recall what those were now).
Here’s the truth: Most of us have shunned our inner Dark Queen in favor of the Pleasing Princess and have found out that it doesn’t serve us, especially in moments when there is a lot on the line, like our money, health, and self-esteem.
It’s time to resurrect the Dark Queen.
Who Is the Dark Queen Anyway?
The Dark Queen is the one you love to hate.
She’s Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones.
Amarantha from A Court of Thorns and Roses.
Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada.
Erishkigal from the myth of Inanna.
She’s vindictive, manipulative, ruthless, shameless, and full of wrath.
So, why would you want any of those qualities?
Because sometimes you need them.
To advocate for your desires.
To make more money.
To protect your safety.
To step into your full potential.
To preserve your self-esteem.
In a recent podcast conversation with Jungian analyst Lisa Marchiano, we discussed her book The Vital Spark. She writes about the necessity of what she calls “outlaw energies.” These energies are disagreeableness, shrewdness, trickster energy, desire, sexuality, rage, authority, and ruthlessness. If you don’t have access to them, you risk losing your spark—your vital life force.
Yet so many of us have buried these energies. We’ve traded them in for the agreeable ones. We go along to get along. We undercharge. We say yes when we mean no. We tiptoe around our own truth.
And listen—I get it. “Nice” serves us in some ways. It can keep us safe. But it only gets us so far. There’s a glass ceiling on nice—in your career, relationships, creativity, and most of all, your soul’s expansion.
As Carl Jung said:
“I’d rather be whole than good.”
Here’s Why the Heroine Must Meet the Dark Queen
In myths and stories, the heroine must face the Dark Queen to unlock her full power.
In A Court of Thorns and Roses, Feyre faces horrific trials Under the Mountain at the mercy of Amarantha. Though her body is fragile, her spirit is fierce. It’s through her battle with the Dark Queen that Feyre finds her strength—and ultimately transforms into someone even more powerful.
Or consider Inanna, the Sumerian goddess of heaven and earth. She descends to the Underworld to visit her sister, Erishkigal. It was a strange decision, considering only the dead visit the Underworld.
As Inanna passes through the seven gates, she is stripped of her finery. When she meets her sister, Erishkigal kills her with a death stare and carelessly hangs her on a meat hook.
But Inanna had a plan. Her servants revive her after three days, and she returns to the upper realms stronger and wiser—because she faced the Dark Queen and survived.
Even Persephone, the goddess of spring, left the pretty flowers and her doting mother to rule as Queen of the Underworld for half the year.
The Cost of Avoiding the Dark Queen
Our obsession with being well-liked has exiled the Dark Queen.
But what would your life look like if you reclaimed your anger, assertiveness, and ruthlessness?
Try this practice Dr. Kelly Brogan calls “wearing the Villain Crown” to reclaim your inner Dark Queen.
Think of a time when…
Someone called you selfish, manipulative, or entitled.
You were accused of being cold, narcissistic, or high-maintenance.
Someone told you to “get off your high horse.”
Instead of defending yourself, try it on.
Could there be some truth in it?
What if—gasp—you are a little selfish? A little entitled? A little bit of a bitch?
And what if that’s… okay?
Can you wear the Villain Crown with pride?
Not to hurt others but to stop hurting yourself by prioritizing others’ comfort over your own.
Wield It, Don’t Waste It
Now, I’m not saying unleash your Dark Queen whenever someone cuts you off in traffic.
This is not about reacting—it’s about wielding.
Think: Violet Sorrengail learning to control her lightning in Iron Flame (I’m a little obsessed with the Empryean Series).
When you can wield your dark energy with discernment, it becomes power—not destruction.
Because if you don’t learn to harness your Dark Queen energy? One of two things can happen:
You live a placid, mediocre life—always pleasing, accommodating, and wondering what’s missing. (Spoiler alert: What’s missing is you!)
You become like Daenerys in Game of Thrones. She started as the sweet liberator… until she snapped and burned the whole city down. Suppressed emotions always find a way out—and not usually in the healthiest way.
The Dark Queen Isn’t Here to Destroy You…
She wants to crown you.
She’s not your downfall. She’s your initiation.
It’s time to stop fearing your power and start learning to wield it.
Ready to Meet Your Dark Queen?
If you’re feeling the stirrings of your own Dark Queen rising—don’t stop here.
For paid subscribers, I’ve created a guided Active Imagination journey where you’ll descend into the Underworld to meet the Dark Queen face-to-face to reclaim your power, authority, and potential. You’ll also receive a downloadable workbook with journaling prompts to help you integrate the wisdom you receive.
This is where the real transformation begins.
Click here to meet your Dark Queen.
Long live the Queen!
I've been reflecting a lot on the concept of manipulation lately, and for me, there’s a profound connection between manipulation and people-pleasing. Both come from the same energy—stepping away from our true selves in an attempt to control or secure a desired outcome. Eventually, both tend to lead to disappointment because they’re built on a foundation of disconnection from who we really are.
The real shift happens when you start prioritizing your own needs and protecting them as if it's your most important task. At first, this can feel ruthless or even selfish, but over time, it transforms into something far more powerful—unconditional love. As you learn to honor your boundaries and stand firm in what you need, you're not manipulating the world around you; you're aligning with your truest self. And that, in turn, creates a deeper, more authentic connection with others and with your own heart.
This came at the perfect, synchronous time for me. I've recently been gaslighted by someone with narcissistic traits who told me I'm manipulative and selfish. As if it were some terrible thing. I definitely need to own the Dark Queen within me, unapologetically. I cannot be all light and perfect but I can be True and Real.